Home Forums IVF Frequently Asked Questions Does anyone worry that your family or religions community won’t support you?

7 replies, 8 voices Last updated by  Prerona Ghosh 3 weeks, 4 days ago
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  • #1354

    Allison Berman
    Participant
    @ccnurse

    Hi Everyone!
    I was wondering if you included your family and religious community in your journey to conceive. As a single woman who never married and now 40 years old, I don’t want to wait for “Mr. Right”. My biological clock is ticking and I feel like I’m running out of time to complete my family. I did IUI 8 years ago and my family was less than thrilled. I was dating my high school sweetheart of 15 years who never committed. Even though the fertility team warned me and suggested I use donor sperm, I went ahead w/ IUI w/ my fiance and like they predicted, he took off the year after our son was born. My entire world has revolved around my son and I just haven’t put myself back out there. Now, all these years later, I want to add to my happy little family. I never imagined having “just one”. (which I am eternally grateful for) I always imagined myself having 3 or 4. I am excited to be trying again and learning more and more each day. (especially when it comes to donor sperm) but I’m optimistic for a good outcome. I worry what my family will think and I worry that the catholic church will not be overly accepting. I love my family and my faith, I can’t imagine being separated from either. On the other hand, I just know what I’m doing is right and this beautiful life I will bring in to this world will be life changing in only the most positive way. I wish you all well on your journey to parenthood. How does that saying go? It’s one hell of a mountain to climb but the view from the top is amazing! Good Luck to you all!

    #1361

    Guirlande Zetrenne
    Participant
    @gz18549

    My story is similar to yours in that I too am Catholic. I spoke with my priest after I got pregnant. I really didn’t think the decision to get pregnant was his or anyone’s but mine. I ask him how it relates to my receiving the holy communion in the eyes of the church. His response was that only my relationship with God is what matters. He is great! My church community tried to be supportive but since I never shared the full story with them (I was dating someone who offered to fertilize my eggs. Marriage is not in our future) they assumed I was just caught up in irresponsible activities. I really don’t care that much. Sometimes I am offended but then I think about the incredibly difficult journey I took to get here and the beautiful life that I have to help develop into a man. Im not struggling financially! Im smart and mature! Some kids would only wish I was their mom.

    My only and main concern is always around raising a kid without a stable father figure. That’s not an issue to ignore or devalue. So I keep it in the forefront of my mind and make a special effort to place my son in the presence of wonderful strong loving men.

    So to you I say join me in the journey of bringing another beautiful baby into a world that could really use one.

    #1394

    Jess
    Participant
    @jessann421

    I have the same feeling growing up in a large judgemental Catholic family.

    #1516

    Tati
    Participant
    @CtatiI318

    I’m catholic but it never crossed my mind to share my process with my priest. I believe that god has his own ways and if I can’t have a kid via intercourse maybe he is sending that extra battle to those who he thinks they can do it. My mom is not very happy if we ever adopt, I think she says it bc she doesn’t know the actual process that my husband and I going through. I think even if the congregation or family doesn’t support it should not be a reason not to do it. If you feel you need that extra little one to complete you life go ahead and do it!! At the end of the day its your life and support is great but not necessary.

    #2970

    Diana
    Participant
    @Diana

    Hi,
    Thank you for such a beautiful and informative post. It tells me that you can never rely on men. If your fiancé for 15 years took off at the mention that you had given birth to a baby boy, then I just can’t stop imagining what he would have done if you told him you are pregnant of him again. I guess he would be looking for a way to eliminate you. Anyway, it happens, and so we must learn to live with it. Now the second thing that I want to comment on is about your age. As you have said, your biological clock is ticking, and at 40 you are approaching your menopause. However, in as much as I would like to encourage you to TTC, I read some post about conceiving at 40, and I feel obliged to share the details with you. That as soon as you hit the age of 40, your body is likely to undergo changes and experience chromosomal issues that raises the chances of miscarriage including birth defects. It is also argued that one is likely to encounter pregnancy complications which are likely to lead to high blood pressure, placenta problems, and diabetes. In fact, at 40 one is at higher risk of preterm baby and such women run a higher chance of delivering a preterm or low birth weight baby. Also, studies show that children born to the older mother are at an increased risk high blood pressure and type 1 diabetes. Also, if the father’s age is advanced, one stands a higher chance of developing conditions such as schizophrenia, Down syndrome and autism. So, my dear, the ball is in your court and whatever decision you make must look at these factors.

    #3048

    sophian
    Participant
    @Sophia

    Lady, why so thinking ? It’s all about family all the time and I dont think there is anyone to stop you from having a beautiful family. I think you have beautiful dreams. Family is a blessing of God. These days,not much people think like that. Now coming towards the drawbacks of having this dream at this age.Many women today choose to delay childbearing until later in life for a variety of reasons. Many of us are completing advanced degrees, building a career or choosing to marry later in life. In fact, compared to 1970 (when 1 out of 100 moms was over the age of 35), today’s number is 1 in 7. So, although mom’s today are older when they begin childbearing, you are correct that as a woman’s age increases, the risk of having a baby with Down syndrome, as well as many other chromosomal abnormalities increases as well. In addition to chromosomal issues, there are more risks in general when having a baby over the age of 40. Before listing all of them, the important thing to remember is that most women having babies in their late 30’s and early 40’s, have perfectly normal pregnancies and babies! Here are a few of the risks that increase with increasing maternal age: 1. Gestational diabetes 2. Pre-eclampsia 3. Miscarriage 4. Preterm delivery 5. Problems with the placenta (placenta previa, placental insuffieciency) 6. Stillbirth (only slightly higher: 4/1000 vs 7/1000) Regarding autism, maternal age does not appear to be a factor, but advanced paternal age can and there does appear to be a slightly increased risk of autism in babies born to fathers over the age of 40. Keep in mind however, that the risk of autism is also increased with a family history and a few other factors. Unfortunately, we have no way to test fetuses for autism or other neurologic issues prior to birth. I do want to mention, however, something new and really exciting called non-invasive prenatal screening (NIPS). Historically, we relied upon something called a first trimester screen (some blood work and an ultrasound) to screen for Down syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13 and a few other chromosomal abnormalities. A woman’s chance of having a false positive result (meaning the test says your baby has Down syndrome when in fact he or she really doesn’t), greatly increases with age. This would then alarm everyone and a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) or amniocentesis would be recommended. These are both invasive tests with miscarriage rates of 1 in 200 and 1 in 500, respectively. Over the last few years, we have realized that we can pick up fetal DNA in mom’s circulation. So with a simple blood test, we can now actually pick up fetal chromosomes in mom’s blood and the best part is, this test is much more sensitive than our previously used first trimester screen. This is a great option for women over the age of 35 to get results on chromosomes as early as 10 weeks. The bottom line is that there is never any guarantee in life, and if you and your wife want to have another child, chances are that things will be fine. Don’t think that I am discouraging you. Rather Take these as safety measures, wish you best of luck !!!

    #3104

    MarySchwartz
    Participant
    @MarySchwartz

    Heyy there! I hope that you’re doing good. I’m really glad to know about your son. So you went through IUI and sperm donation. And now you want another child through this. When you went through it the last time, you had a fiance still your family was thrilled. But I don’t think that they’re gonna be happy this time. I know that today family means everything. A person can’t stay happy if he doesn’t have one. But parents and Faith have their own importance in a person life. I don’t think that you should get separated from them only due to the desire to have more than one children. You have a son and bringing another child will definitely bring a good change in your life as well as his life. But you in my point of view, you should also consider your parents and your religion. I don’t think that they’ll accept this.It’s a really risky thing that you want to do. Well, you can consider adoption in this case. I wish you the best of luck for your future. And I hope that you get your every desire fulfilled. Take care of yourself. Much love.

    #3704

    Prerona Ghosh
    Participant
    @prerona

    Dear Allison, so good to hear your amazing story of struggle and perseverance. What is your son’s name? I hope he is well. Now I know that the Catholic church can be somewhat immovable when it comes to cases such as yours. It is not shameful for you to want a happy and fulfilled family, however you can. Most people don’t really care but just want something to talk about. Rise above that noise and fulfill your dream to get a happy family. Please take care and I hope you can make your dream your reality, good luck.

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